My mother abandoned her four children. My two oldest brothers were in high school, I was fourteen and my youngest brother was eight. My father took over, ill prepared to care for us at all, so I took care of everyone. I did suffer from depression at the time, but I held it together for my young brother.
Remnants of those feelings still fester deep inside. I don’t let them destroy me, but they are there. The feelings creep in like a shadow in the night, they sweep over me, and take my breath from my lips.
I am not the only one who’s associated with this abandonment who’s affected. Even though my children barely know my mother they feel it too. Even though my husband has never abandoned me, I inadvertently put the strain on him to be my rock, my great protector.
When my husband and I went to the Pythian Castle the other night he wandered off, looking around by himself. In doing so I felt abandoned, left to experience this grand place without him. I didn’t tell him about my feelings, because deep down he isn’t responsible for these feelings, I own them, he’s not the cause, and I don’t put that on him. I don’t want my abandonment issues to affect him too.
I was grumbling the other day about my husband being insensitive, and my nineteen year old son asked me if we were getting divorced. I felt like I was going to cry. He doesn’t want to lose my husband (step dad to my son). It’s not going to happen, but it’s evident the fear is there.
Does my mother’s abandonment of her children really flow through to everybody? It flows through me, but do I pass it on to others? Or do they feel a need to have my mother as their grandma, because that would be normal?