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Abandonment Affects Everyone

My mother abandoned her four children.  My two oldest brothers were in high school,  I was fourteen and my youngest brother was eight. My father took over, ill prepared to care for us at all, so I took care of everyone. I did suffer from depression at the time,  but I held it together for my young brother.

Remnants of those feelings still fester deep inside. I don’t let them destroy me, but they are there. The feelings creep in like a shadow in the night, they sweep over me, and take my breath from my lips.

I am not the only one who’s associated with this abandonment who’s affected. Even though my children barely know my mother they feel it too. Even though my husband has never abandoned me, I inadvertently put the strain on him to be my rock, my great protector.

When my husband and I went to the Pythian Castle the other night he wandered off, looking around by himself.  In doing so I felt abandoned,  left to experience this grand place without him. I didn’t tell him about my feelings,  because deep down he isn’t responsible for these feelings,  I own them, he’s not the cause, and I don’t put that on him. I don’t want my abandonment issues to affect him too.

I was grumbling the other day about my husband being insensitive,  and my nineteen year old son asked me if we were getting divorced. I felt like I was going to cry. He doesn’t want to lose my husband (step dad to my son). It’s not going to happen, but it’s evident the fear is there.

Does my mother’s abandonment of her children really flow through to everybody?  It flows through me, but do I pass it on to others? Or do they feel a need to have my mother as their grandma,  because that would be normal?

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4 thoughts on “Abandonment Affects Everyone

  1. I think it’s possible to pass that feeling on.. They see it in you and they’ll copy you. Maybe unknowingly, and maybe they won’t. Children are very sensitive, they see more than you think they see. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I liked your phrase “he isn’t responsible for these feelings, I own them”. I also struggle with issues stemming from abandonment, and the struggle to own them, rather than place them on my partner or project them onto others, is very difficult at times. Sometimes I’m not as successful as I’d like to be, but recognizing that it’s not my partner’s behavior, just as it wasn’t your husband’s behavior at the castle, is very important.

    Evidently your son is afraid that he’ll lose your husband, but it’s encouraging that he asked you for reassurance; it indicates that the two of you have a good relationship. If you haven’t had a chance to do so yet, I encourage you to discuss the issue with your son. Perhaps there are some other factors (other than your comment) in his life right now that are making him feel more vulnerable. While I agree that children see more than we think they see, I also know that 19 is a time of great transition and he may be experiencing other difficulties as well.

    Thank you for the great post.

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  3. I dated a man for 6 years prior to my current marriage, it ended very abruptly, and 8 years later I found out his radical behavior was caused from paranoid schizophrenia. I am sure this had an impact on my son. My ex husband has very little to do with him, so I’m sure he’s clinging to this relationship. I have explained to him that every relationship has bumps and it doesn’t mean it’s over.

    It is difficult to always be in check when it comes to abandonment issues, occasionally those feelings come out before you realize it. I try to take my time and assess my feelings before I share them with others.

    Like

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